men problems
Why Don’t Men Talk Like Women Do?
From his book, "Men, Love & Sex: The Complete User’s Guide for Women"
Updated: May 28, 2007
Here’s a great irony: Men, in general, are happy in
their relationships. And yet women — the very people responsible for making
guys so happy — spend a great deal of time fretting over whether their men
want to stay in the relationship or are waiting to catch the next bus out of
it. Indeed, women spend so much time fretting that they often ask men to talk
more about … gasp! … their feelings. And the one thing that can make a
contented guy discontented is being asked to talk about his feelings. It’s like
cooking up a great souffle, and then opening the oven to check on it — and
presto, the souffle goes flat.
It’s not that you should never ask a man about his feelings.
But it’s all about technique: you need to coax him to that place where he can
share; pushing him just makes him stubborn.
Don’t use the f-word
The problem for a lot of guys is that talking feelings with
a woman is like talking French with a native Parisian. No matter how hard we
study, we’ll never master the language with quite the same fluency. So you need
to make things a little simpler for us.
From our end, we’d prefer that you don’t directly ask about
the "f-word" — feelings.
Say the word feelings to a man and it’s
like clipping your toenails during a striptease — total turn-off. The reason?
We have feelings, but we don’t have the access to them that you do. So every
conversation that’s pointedly about our feelings seems to us like the last 15
minutes of "Law & Order," where we’re the perp and you’re the
clever detective, poking a finger in our face and hinting that you know just a
little more than we do. And you do know a little more than we do. You know how
you feel. And we don’t know how we feel. So if you want us to talk, then help
us speak your language — by speaking a little of ours.
The point: If you want us to answer questions about what
we’re feeling, then stop asking about how we’re feeling. Instead, watch how we
behave, and where our interests lie. And be open about your feelings. The more
you show comfort in expressing yourself, the more he’ll do the same.
How do I know where the relationship is going?
I feel like I’ve hit a snag in a relationship with my
boyfriend. We’ve been seeing each other for a few months. Everything was really
great in the beginning. Now, it seems like we’ve fallen into that typical
relationship routine. We see each other during the week, rent a movie on Fridays,
and usually have sex twice a week (once after the movie). He’s nice to me and
treats me well, but I’d like to get things back to where they were. He tells me
everything’s fine, assures me he cares about me, and tells me not to worry
about it. But I still do because what he says is one thing but what happens
week to week is another. Any idea what he’s thinking?
Yeah. He’s thinking exactly what he’s saying, which is that
everything’s fine. " Women think that not talking about the relationship
means there are problems, but it’s the opposite for men. If we’re not talking
about it, it means we’re happy," says Conner, 32. So the real question is
not "What’s he thinking?" It’s "What are you thinking?" If
you’re content with the relationship you’ve got, then relax and enjoy it. And
if you want more, say so. "If a man loves a woman, he’ll prove it with
daily action not just words," says Jimmy, 27. Either he’ll step up to the
plate, or what he’s giving now is all he’s got — and maybe you need to move
on.
Why don’t guys answer emotional questions?
I’ve got a good friend who recently left her husband. They
have one child who’s eight, and my friend and her ex are now in this bitter
disagreement about custody, about money, about who gets to see the daughter
when. When I told my husband about it, I asked him how he felt about it,
because these are really serious issues, and I figured he’d have really serious
thoughts on them. Instead, he just sat there, shrugged his shoulders, and said,
"That sucks." Does the man have no feelings?
Of course he has feelings, and he told you what they were:
He feels the situation sucks. Oh, but wait … you were looking for something
more. Here’s the problem: You wanted him to tune into your concerns, but the
signal you were sending was fuzzier than a pirate radio station. It’s the old
"feelings" conundrum again. If you want to ask him how he’d handle a
custody issue, then ask him how he’d handle a custody issue. If you want to
know if he thinks it’s wrong for one partner to give up on a marriage, then ask
him about that. But don’t ask him about his feelings and expect him to surmise
that your telling him a story about the neighbors is some Aesop’s fable for
your relationship. "We’re simple. Please, no hints or assumptions,"
says D.J., 26. "Say what you mean, mean what you say. Don’t make us guess
as if we know what you are trying to say or feel."
D.J.’s a bit of a wishful thinker. Just as men like direct,
problem A/solution B equations, women seem to take a more poetic and
metaphorical approach to communication. That’s why communication between the
sexes is so much work. To men, dealing with hypotheticals is fun when we’re
talking about pennant races and the stock market, not when you’re asking us to
project how we’d feel about anything really serious, like a breakup or
infidelity or pizza toppings. In that case, direct questions will get you the
answers you want: let’s stay together, I’ll be faithful forever, and no
anchovies, please.
Why can’t a guy just plan out our future?
My husband and I have two kids, a boy and a girl, ages three
and six. I’m tired of taking the pill, so I’ve tried talking to my husband
about other options. Specifically, I asked him if he wanted more kids. (I could
go either way.) And if he didn’t, then we should talk about a vasectomy. But he
can’t decide whether he wants more children, and he doesn’t seem too thrilled
with the idea of getting the vasectomy. Why doesn’t he just tell me what he
wants so then we can come up with some kind of game plan?
Your question contains this interesting phrase: "I
could go either way." It sounds like you and your husband are both
comfortable in a pair of flip-flops. In our polls and surveys, we’ve asked men
about the vasectomy issue. John, 41, has been talking about a vasectomy with
his wife, but they’re having trouble getting at the root of who really wants to
do what. "Neither of us will come right out and say we’re done having
kids. She thinks me not signing right up for the operation somehow means that I
have this evil master plan: that if I dump her, I’ll be able to have kids with
some 22-year-old bimbo. But I just don’t want to get one, because neither of us
have closed the door on having kids, and if she’s up for it, I’m up for
it."
The fact is that men hate admitting that they don’t have a
plan, and with complex issues like this, it’s hard for a guy to decide,
unilaterally, the rest of both your lives. He’s going to flip and flop like a
beached sea bass until he knows for certain. And then, one day, he’s just going
to announce his decision.I know, it’s hard living with us. Just don’t try
living without us.
Masculinity mastered: what you now know about men
- "Feelings" is
our f-word. Bleep it out of your conversational repertoire. Try
pointed questions like "What do you think about…." - We feel everything’s okay
when we’re not talking about feelings. When we’re talking about feelings,
we feel everything’s on the rocks. - Backed into a corner,
we won’t let you into our heads. Give us some space and we’ll let you in.
Say this tonight!
- The sexiest thing a
woman ever said to Dale, 32: "What would you like for
breakfast?" - The sexiest thing
Tricia, 28, ever said to a man: "I wish I could have you."
Say this, not that!
- Say this: "What
do you think about that?" - Not: "How do
you feel about that?" - Because: He knows
how to answer the first question, but the second one makes him nervous.
- Say this: "I
wish I could say this in a way that makes more sense to you." - Not: "You don’t
understand me." - Because:
Miscommunication is a two-way street.
- Say this:
"Let’s go for a drive." - Not: "Let’s sit
down and talk." - Because: Men are
less tense when they’re doing something physical.
- Say anything: Once
- Not: Ten times
- Because: To a guy,
repetition makes a statement meaningless.
What it means when….
- He says, "I
love you" for the first time (not during sex). - He does. And he
thought it long before he ever said it.
- He says,
"Fine," in response to a question about how his day was. - Fine. If something
significant happened, he’ll tell you — in a few hours.
- He says,
"Five," when you ask him how many women he’s slept with. - Twelve.
Wondering woman
Why is it so hard for guys to write a personal message in a
birthday card? Every year all I get is "Love, Jim."Â Five
minutes on the way back from the drugstore doesn’t give a whole lot of time to
come up with something clever. Plus, he’d rather let a nice dinner and a show
do the talking for him.
Male mysteries
- 27: Percentage of
men who say they primarily fight with their wives or girlfriends about the
fact that they don’t share or talk about their feelings. - 65: Percentage of
men who don’t want their partners to ask more questions about them.
Excerpted by permission from "Men, Love & Sex,
The Complete User’s Guide for Women" by David Zinczenko with Ted Spiker;
Rodale, 2006
http://dating.personals.yahoo.com/singles/relationships/4/why-dont-men-talk-like-women-do;_ylc=X3oDMTFyNWN2bTg4BF9TAzI3MTYxNDkEc2VjA2ZwX3RvZGF5BHNsawN3aHktZG9udC1tZW4tdGFsay1saWtlLXdvbWVuLWRv
May 30th, 2007 at 3:46 am
“If a man loves a woman, he’ll prove it with daily action not just words”
wahaha..mao?.. :p